Before you read this please take note that this is not written specifically about me. It's just a random burst of thoughts.
1. I have a habit of doing stupid things…
Cracking my knuckles.
Biting the dead skin around my nails before biting them off.
Being sick, sitting cross-legged, with rain toppling down on me.
Getting myself worked up before elapsing into a pit of loneliness
Not eating because I’d rather write this.
Drinking cold coffee and making cups of tea too strong.
Sometimes wanting to set alight to everything that moves
Buying porcelain plates from charity shops, just to throw them.
To watch them smash, to feel… satisfied?
Wishing I had straight hair and then when I have it, wishing it was wavy.
Jumping every time at the thought that I’m alive.
And then telling the cute waiter at my local café that I sometimes have these thoughts.
And that they are uncontrollable.
Watching his reaction towards how stupid that must sound.
“I’ve never said that aloud to anyone before”
“Don’t be ashamed” He will say.
Never listening to what my parents say...
And then hearing the ‘I told you so.'
Until maybe one day, it gets stuck in my mind like chewing gum on the pavement.
2. I have a habit of going too fast...
And risking my life.
What is a life without risk though?
Seeing if I can pass 140 on the road between work and home.
Late night shifts got me thinking that I am invincible.
And that there’s no other people on the road, but me.
3. I have a habit of being attracted…
To the things that make me weaker.
To boys who appear good,
And nightly habits. like sleeping too late.
And morning habits. like sleeping in too late.
I repeat that, because it happens a lot.
The attraction, you see.
Then the absence.
4. I have a habit of starting books…
And then never finishing them.
Seems to remind me much of my life thus far.
Or potential love interests.
And then being too shut off
To see them into fruition.
It seems that, that creep of a French guy
That one time on that island in Greece
Was right in saying that I was ‘closed minded’
When I couldn’t’ dare to believe him at the time.
What idiot would speak so directly of a stranger he met merely 5 minutes before
But I’m starting to believe that he was right.
In a strange, uncanny way.
I want to thank him.
Then punch him in the face.
5. I have a habit of being aggressive…
as you can see, (above)
with both my words,
and my actions.
particularly when that first sip of alcohol
has hit my lips
and then another sip
hits my words
coming out like daggers,
hurting those closest
and then drawing those furthest into full view
hitting them too.
6. I have a habit of staying up too late…
And falling for the feeling of vulnerability that comes with the morning glow of the sun. But I don't do this often enough.
I should start to wake up earlier.
I’m a romantic, what can I say.
And morning’s are romantic.
Especially with my eyes closed,
And fingers wrapped around yours.
On cold winter mornings.
Cocooned in the comfort of white sheets.
7. I have a habit of never wanting to feel anything…
That’s it, right there - I’m scared of feeling anything towards someone.
8. I have a habit of talking too loud..
Or too fast, especially when I'm nervous
And boarderline, not intrigued in conversation.
So I'm making up for lost time by
Making up words, or sentences to fill the empty spaces instead.
9. I have a habit of wanting to escape....
Or needing to escape,
in fact, needing is a better word.
The constant need for leaving my reality.
and the fantasy that is played out in my mind over and over again.
10. I have a habit of overthinking things...
It's taken me so long to write this paragraph because
well, I'm overthinking that too.
A slice of light hitting my face from the half opened curtain I found you staring at me in the dark, unable to work out what I was thinking.
It killed you more than it killed me.
11. I have a habit of being scared to fall in love...
So I fall too hard too fast, or don't fall at all.
12. I have a habit of having an addicted personality...
You'll learn to love me . .
Then you'll learn to fear me..
13. I have a habit of expecting too much from people..
Too many expectations, and I'm sorry about this.
14. I have a habit of feeling rejection too easily...
and I start to mismatch people like socks in different laundry baskets.
Like that person made me feel that way, so therefore you will too.
15. I have a habit of generalising.
I believe in the power of change and effort, but if you don't want to put in effort to prove that to me, then I will probably generalise you as well and I'm sorry for that.
16. I have a habit of overthinking....
and staring into the sky as I do.
you can tell, I'm over thinking about you too.
17. I have a habit of being really good at starting projects...
and never good at finishing them.
People like me because I always have something going on.
People dislike it that I can never pursue anything.
My biggest enemy.
18. Like this project, I can't even finish it because I can't think of two more things.
19. Nothing to say.
20. Nothing to say.
21. I have a habit of not knowing my worth...
But I'm incredibly loved and you are too.
In my 21st year I will believe this.